Start with funny story about starting young in teaching TOB—John Paul and Elizabeth (nephew and niece and eggs!)
First, here is an overview of the talk—the 4 main things to keep in mind when teaching the youth TOB
A. The 4 essentials to Theology of the Body for Teens
B. Pedagogical Tools in presenting to teens
C. Dangers/Weaknesses to be aware of and avoid when teaching teens
D. The 2 most important things teens desire from adults
A. First, the 4 essentials to TOB:
1. TOB is mainly about the goal of all Christians and thus the most important mystery of our faith: The Blessed Trinity. (Show Diagram of ad intra and the condensed version of the ad extra). I let the teens know that THIS is Christianity: sharing in the Perichoresis—the Greek term for the mysterious exchange of Divine and love between the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. The Trinity is our home, but the only way to get there is not merely following Jesus but by living IN Him. (In Him we move and live and have our being, St. Paul writes). To live in His Body, the Body-Bride of Christ means we really are partakers in divinity. We must share in the divine nature; by our baptism, we are grafted onto Christ.
2. The body reveals the person and the body reveals God. How do we know a person is here? Her body. How can we tell what the person wants…how do we know the interior life? Through gestures, words, actions. The body thus reveals the person (not to be taken in a dualistic sense, of course).
The body also reveals God—in 2 ways. First, all humans have arms, legs, face, etc. What do those characteristics tell us? Think about what we could have been like. The political philosopher, Thomas Hobbes, thought we were in a state of war, but if that were the case, wouldn’t we have guns for hands, spikes on our face, swords for arms. But God did not make us that way. Instead, the proper use for arms is to shake hands, carry things for others…for the legs to go toward another to help her/him…for the face to gaze at, showing love…for the lips to express care and love to loved ones. In other words, our bodies tell us that we are meant to be gifts for others. And thereby, we are like God…how, because in His essence, God is gift; that is, the Father is always giving Himself to the Son, the Son to the Holy Spirit, etc (refer to ad intra diagram). So, when we give the gift of self, we are forming a communion of persons, the “cutting edge” new development of dogma that Pope John Paul gave to us (furthering Aquinas who says we are like God in our intellect and will primarily…JP II says, “moreover” we are like God by being in a communion of persons.
The second way that the body reveals God is in the fact that we are created male and female, “two incarnational ways of being human,” as Pope John Paul puts it. We don’t need sex ed here! The male and female body are complementary…they go together, and therefore they serve as a sign that we are meant to be gifts to each other. God invented sexual desire—it is holy—because he wants a “man to leave his father and mother and cling to his wife and the 2 become one flesh.” God wants us to form families. Again, how does this reveal God? The same as above: a husband and wife form a fruitful family…and God is the first family, as JP II puts it. We know this by knowing maleness and femaleness. Hence, we know that all of us, whether single/consecrated/married are meant to go toward others in loving ways proper to our state of life.
3. To be free and happy is to understand what it means to be a “body-person.” We are supposed to “re-read” the language of the body, living integral lives. Another way the pope puts this is that we are to make sure our outer actions always correspond to our purity of heart. (Matthew 5) We are to live out the meaning of our bodies (as explained above) and specifically as male or female. So, men can learn more and more what masculinity means because their particular male physiology, their brute strength, and their focus on doing says to them that they are to initiate, protect, and serve all, especially women and children. Pope John Paul puts the onus on the man in leading/initiating. (Story: Fernando, my former student, stood up for his sister’s dignity by defending her…but it wound up costing his life—he shed his flesh and blood for her).
Woman can “re-read” the language of their body, in their particular physiological female makeup and softness of features that they are to nurture and welcome others. The wife welcomes her husband, she welcomes the unborn baby into her, she nurtures the baby at her breast. All women, says the pope, are to be mothers—either spiritual or both spiritual and physical—by virtue of their femininity. Pope John Paul says this extremely fascinating and bold statement: “the future of humanity rests on ‘who woman will be for man and who man will be for woman.’” Rather than the autonomy that runs rampant in society, our Holy Father focuses on loving the other as a matter of life and death.
The opposite of being a body-person helps to show via juxtaposition what being a body-person means. That is, the opposite of love is not hatred but use. Using others as utilitarian objects is not living out life as a body-person, respecting oneself and others. In fact, Pope John Paul broadens the term lust—what we usually think of—to a bigger dimension: anytime we use others for our own selfish motives. Thus, we use others in various ways. This changed so much of the way I lived. Do we only call parents because we need something? Do we treat the clerk at the store as an object not a person? Do we ask our colleagues for help when needed only but could care less about them (Caveat: it, of course, is good to get help, but perhaps we should examine if we are using the other person). We can also lie with our specific male and female bodies, doing the opposite of what it means to be a body-person. (Story of my friend who lived with me because her husband used his body in the opposite way—abusing her rather than loving, protecting, and serving her). (Story of so many men who do pornography and the damaged relationships caused by such a pornographic imagination). Women, too, can violate their femininity, going against being a body-person, against the language of their bodies. Those misled women who have abortions—rather than being the safest place on the planet, the womb becomes a Dachau, a concentration camp of bloodshed and slaughter. These women damage themselves too by going against their femininity. (Caveat: They are fed garbage…they feel hopeless….story of the college student who wanted to become Catholic but thought she couldn’t because she had had an abortion. NO, I said. Of course you can be forgiven and you are welcome in the Catholic Church). (Note: The Church is feminine…welcoming and nurturing as well). So, too are those women who contracept. Think about what we do when we have a headache, fever, etc. We take a pill when we are sick. So, contraception is incredibly anti-feminine. It basically says that our fertility—the main thing that makes us feminine-–is a disease. To be female is bad. We should be like men who have no consequences to intercourse. So, the opposite of our bodies.
4. The sacredness of marriage and of sexuality. Pope John Paul says that those couples who live out the language of their body and make it the content of their lives will fulfill the very meaning of their existence. He says that marriage is the best natural sign of who God is…and even enters into being a liturgical action! Think about Mass. We use our bodies to glorify God and be in a deeper union and communion with Him and the whole Church. In the marital embrace, the couple glorifies God by their bodily union and communion which effects what it signifies (definition of a sacrament); marital love brings more grace into the world. The pope says marital intercourse, next to the Mass, is the most powerful way to combat the devil. (story—When I give talks to Marriage Encounter, inevitably men say at the very end of my talk—anxiously awaited the end—“Come on, honey, let’s go combat the devil!” (I don’t say this to youth). The receiving of Holy Communion—as a sign of a deepening of baptismal vows—is analogous to the renewal of vows for the married couple who love fully, freely, faithfully, and fruitfully. Such love is true sex—one needs no Harlequin Romance novels! Pope John Paul has written over 3/4th of ALL that has ever been written doctrinally and authoritatively about the sex and sexuality. Why? Because he was a man of the times. He knew that the wrong, diabolic messages given needed to be answered…and he knew we needed hope.
This is why Jesus is the ultimate center of the Theology of the Body. It is Christ who reveals Himself and reveals God. It is Christ Himself who knows what it means to be a body-person. It is Christ Himself who knows the best about sexuality, that holy desire to enter into marriage, for after all, His marriage to the Church is what allows us to love. We can only love with the love of Christ. We can only be who we are by living in Him. We can only get to our goal, the Perichoresis, sharing in the union and communion between the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit by living in Christ, in His Body-Bride, the best description the Church has for herself, so says Vatican II.
B. Pedagogical Tools in presenting to teens—First, I will give you 4. Then, I will give you concrete examples based on the above content. As you read these ideas, keep in mind the foundational vision to such an approach. In other words, Vatican II—based on Pope John XXIII’s notion of reaching modern man; Pope Paul VI’s continuation of that through his main ideas of awareness, conversion, and dialogue; Pope John Paul II’s emphasis—which is especially the case in TOB—on starting with the person’s subjective experience so as to affirm him/her as a person, then moving to the objective reality of God and His law of Love which frees rather than binds; Pope Benedict XVI’s emphasis on “God is love”—giving the Truth in a pastoral way. All of this is foundational to how the Church directs us in the New Evangelization. Having said this, here are what I have found in my 20 years of work with young people as to what they need to be convinced that the Truth of Jesus and His Church is something to embrace and live. These pedagogical tools do not mean that the content of the Gospel by any means is watered down…just presented in an authentic, teen-friendly way.
1. Be funny! But be funny as who you are. If an adult tries to be a teen, then it is worse. They know the difference. So, for instance, the other night when I stopped by the Homecoming Dance, I let some teens teach me Soldier Boy—I deliberately did the dance horribly…and added my own steps. And it was short. Going on and on is not impressive. Another example, I usually arm wrestle with a boy during my talk, and I strain with both hands and my body weight to beat him. Or I make exaggerated statements—boys, you probably never have noticed girls. Etc. Funny stuff should be woven in throughout the talk…but is especially important at the beginning to catch the audience and add credibility.
2. Be relevant! Which of us wants to listen to anything if it does not bring us more insight, if it means nothing to us?? Even more so for the teen. With Theology of the Body, it is especially important not to talk only about marriage (though, as you see from above that they do need to know the goal/sacredness of marriage in order to direct their choices now), but for them, marriage is so far off. Therefore, I try to show them that TOB lived now will make them more and more who they are. This is why it is such a shame when some speakers limit TOB to sex/sexuality. Right now, they can be pure—not just in the area of chastity, but making sure they do not use anyone in any facet of life. (more specifics in a moment).
3. Be concrete! We are humans, and as such, we need earthy examples/images to form our imagination. This is a key to presenting TOB—we are reforming their imaginations, perhaps the greatest task we are trying to accomplish. It seems to me that being concrete mainly entails 3 things:
a. Telling stories, especially true ones. I have many on my various talks that are so apropos to concepts I am teaching. Remember that the story has to be relevant to the message…and that only telling story after story without them coalescing in a single point or two does not allow the mind to order ideas. One other note—the younger kids should not hear some stories, but if it is pertinent, even though hard but not overbearing, then introduce it by saying…this is a hard story. You younger kids may be tempted to laugh because you are still trying to be mature—you older kids will not laugh since you understand seriousness. I have found this to be very important, for before I would set up a story (especially when I have won them over by funny stories) it would lose its impact because 8th grade boys would laugh. They didn’t mean to be disrespectful—it is just their age. So I discovered how to set the tone for the talk by appealing to their desire to be mature. Last week when I gave a talk to boys, I asked some of them later how I did/what they thought. The senior boy immediately said, “Those stories were very telling, very good even though some were hard.”
b. Being interactive/spontaneous. It is hard for us adults to sit for an extended period of time and concentrate; I don’t know why we think they should be able to. Thus, I have found when I get audience participation, I get them all engaged in the talk. They then pay attention more and are active in learning. And they pay attention when they see you don’t have a memorized talk with no room for you noticing them and playing off their interaction. Also, for a talk of over 20 minutes, there should be at least a couple of times of volunteers coming forward. Another benefit is that I usually build report with a funny, cool guy or a sanguine girl…and then they are the ones I often can use in funny examples because they like the attention. If no one volunteers, I usually call on someone who has a T-shirt with words on it…and call the boy or girl by that “name.” They think it is funny and it gets them up to choose them.
c. Using Diagrams. I am in the middle of writing a book filled mainly with diagrams that teach particular ideas/concepts. They are tangible graphics conveying important points, good especially for the visual learner. It helps that I am horrible at drawing because they are funny—sometimes I have teens guess what I have drawn. Then I jokingly insult them for not recognizing fine art.
4. Be passionate! With the Theology of the Body, a central notion is that passion—desire—in and of itself is good (often that is seen only regarding to sexuality, but it is much more). So, how disconnected and non-sensical it is to present something that can really change the world, change hearts, change our Church…in a way that is not exciting. Especially to teens who need that. We have to compete (unfortunately) with much out there—exciting videogames, technological devices, TV shows and movies. We will lose them if we do not learn how to reach them. This advice also deals with living it. If we are not models/examples of people who live out the TOB and are transformed, are passionate about life, are fun-filled and joyful, we do a disservice to the message—and the message really is about living in Jesus. We must be people of prayer. I rarely miss adoration at night and most often go to daily Mass. And I find time to serve the needy.
B. (The below examples are what I give to youth—some of it is covered above as I gave an overview to adults first)—Here are some specifics regarding how I present the material by telling stories, being interactive, using diagrams. And I present it in a very enthusiastic way.
EX. First essential—I draw a diagram of the Trinity and how we get to the Father through Jesus and His Church.
This diagram is to convey that we must live in Christ (we are the “snowman inside Christ, the big snowman”), in His Mystical Body, and then He takes us to the Father. Notice, Jesus has a body. Christianity is not merely following Christ but living in Him. And to live in Him means to be partakers in the divine nature, the love between the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. (2 Peter 1:4). This diagram shows what Christianity is in a nutshell. So many elements of our faith can be taught through this diagram.
Ex. Second essential—The body reveals the person; the body reveals God. For the first, I sometimes have kids get up and act mad at each other, act like they’re happy, etc. This shows that even without words, the body reveals the person.
Next, the body reveals God—I sometimes (if time permits) give kids playdoh and tell the kids we are having a contest—who can create the ugliest figurine. We will vote at the end. What this does is it let’s them know how God could’ve made us. But he doesn’t make us that way. Instead we…. (see my notes above). Then I have volunteers to get up—like a girl on a chair, pretending to be stuck on a tree/roof, and he uses his body to rescue her. Or I whisper to one girl to cry and the other to comfort her…we know by our bodies that we are supposed to help others, to be in a friendship. How does that make us like God?—God is the first friendship, the first communion of persons.
Finally, the 2nd point of the body reveals God deals with the male and female body—the complementarity of masculinity and femininity. It would be too embarrassing for youth to bring them forward together since this is about marriage/sexual desire. So, I use the verse about Adam and Eve (Genesis 2:25)—not to junior high, only high schoolers—and tell them that Pope John Paul says that this verse gives the foundation for the meaning of life---I set it up, perhaps whispering…it is “they were naked and unashamed.” I repeat and emphasize…often saying that some students say, “Was the Pope on drugs when he wrote that?”—only as funny hyperbole and only for the right audience. I explain how Adam and Eve saw each other with the “interior gaze”—for who they are in their totality, not how they would use each other. (Once they used each other, Gen 3:7, the fig leaves must be worn. I explain…we do not need sex ed here—the male and female bodies are made to fit; God designed them to go together. God invented sexual desire so that adults would be attracted, date, and marry to make a family. –And again, that is how we are like God the most, He who is The First Family, as JP II says. Then I give the caveats that this should not be taken that all of us are meant to be married but our bodies show us we are to be gifts to all people. (More on this in the section on marriage).
Ex. 3rd Essential—Body-person. This term is so vague for teens especially, so I speak about it this way. I get volunteers up, one person being the soul, one the body. They act out being a person of integrity—having purity of heart and the bodily actions corresponding. For instance, I whisper…your soul says, “Don’t cheat” and so you refuse to give in to a temptation to cheat on a test. Then, I have them act out the opposite of being people of integrity. Same scenario, but the bodily action denies that proper knowledge that cheating is wrong…then the soul/body “un-be” (Pope Benedict’s term) themselves because the person uses his body (I have him hand me—his pretend teacher—his test, which the “language of the body” means, “Teacher, I did this work”—when in reality, interiorly, he/she knows he is lying with his body). Kids get it. Again, this shows how much bigger the Theology of the Body is—not just helping us in the area of sexuality.
I give them examples of this in relation to the opposite of love is using the other person. They love this information! I sometimes ask them how people may use others for their own benefit (only talking to parents when needing money or car keys; only talking on the phone with someone because you can get something from him/her, not because you also have established a friendship; etc.
Then, most times when I give talks, the parishes/youth groups want me to cover sex/sexuality. So, here is where I say that we use others in that way…guys, mostly for physical desire…but girls are not off the hook regarding emotional using of guys. (I usually talk in a low voice, “Hey baby, what can I get from you” and high-pitched, “My self-esteem is so low; what can I get from you to help me emotionally.”)
Often I repeat all we learned to remind them (it is better when I can do a series of talks on these essentials so they are not inundated with too much).
EX. 4th Essential—Sacredness of Sex/Marriage—(Most often, I do not say the words, sex or intercourse but the marital embrace or marital love..to reinforce the idea that it is within marriage that sex is what it ought to be: holy).
I start in a positive way—the teaching regarding chastity is not because the Church thinks sex is wrong…and you can do the wrong in marriage but because it is sacred. Married couples love as Christ loved the Church: This helps them—remember the 4 f’s (be careful not to misspeak!!) Free, full, faithful, fruitful. Depending on time, I explain those…not too long—lose them otherwise.
After the above which is pretty intense, I will lighten things up at first by using these funny expressions—but very easy to memorize and see their point:
Males, with your great bodies, wouldn’t you say that you are “rough, tough, and buff!!” Then, with the guy who I have picked out who likes attention or a not-so-strong-looking guy, I bring forward and I arm wrestle, using both arms and my whole weight, but he still beats me. I ask why can a teen beat me, a woman? They get it….Brute strength. I tell them that the language of the male body is one that tells them something about themselves. They are to protect and serve, especially women and children (for adults/singles I add—they are initiators, giving themselves to their wives). I joke that all the boys’ facial hair…I can see them growing even as I say those words!! I will make the point that they are not beautiful like we women—that draws laughter. I give some examples of protecting and serving—day-to-day. Then, I tell the hard story about Fernando. Before I tell that story, I set it up….We have been laughing, which is extremely good…so I tell them this is serious. (Same story that I give to adults—see above). Caveats. Depending on the age of the teens, I will use the story (above) of the abuse of my friend by her husband. This is iffy—they hear so much negatives about marriage that it may be too much. So I often ask the youth leader beforehand what he/she thinks—regarding her teens—what is too much. Also, since pornography, especially for guys is so prominent, (most have done it by age 10 nowadays), I often mention how porn treats women as objects, totally against the true gift of self. I tell about some of my friends who were dating guys but had to break up since the guys—who were good Catholics but got addicted to porn—couldn’t break free of it. (Caveat always—many do…but long process often. Again, I ask youth leaders if it is too much). Before I transition to the girls, I say, “Ok, girls, you can tune out. Boys listen up. You are to shed your flesh and blood for all, esp. women and children. You know that through your body. Then I tell about my friend, Zack, who was dying from cystic fibrosis. I was there with him and his wife, and even on his death bed, he would be the spiritual leader. His signal to pray was to turn his hand over…that was about all his weak body was able to do, but he still lead his wife and the rest of us. Before he was so ill, he, being the man he was, would give talks about marriage, showing a crucifix to the men he would talk to on Marriage Encounter, and say…this is what it means to be a man…to shed flesh and blood for your bride. (Depending on the age, I would say…gentleman, don’t fool yourself in saying to girls, “I love you” and do unchaste things to her. You are doing the opposite of what your bodies says—my female students often come and say how hurt they are. Wounded. Distraught. Be true men. Be like Zack--He must’ve told God that he wanted to suffer for a few more weeks to die on the 4th anniversary of his marriage to Erin. And as he took his last breath—I was there witnessing at about 1:15am at St. Paul’s Hospital in Dallas—Erin kissed him one last time. HE was a man.
Ok, girls, you can now listen (I, of course, know they listened more!) Have we forgotten you? What message does your body give to you? Wouldn’t you say that the female body is hiding and inviting. (They love it and laugh). So then I explain (see the above notes when I gave the talk to adults). I will tell a story about me with my brother when I was a little girl—why couldn’t I take off my shirt like by older brother, Johnny? I later realized my mom was teaching me what it means to be feminine—a hiding aspect. We veil that which is sacred. That’s why we must dress modestly—not in a frumpy way, but flattering but not seductive. (I usually throw in emotional hiding too—instead of regurgitating to the poor guy all of my problems, all of my emotions…boy guy, he thinks, “I just wanted to go on a simple date”!! I also tell about my nieces—never my nephews—who try to breastfeed their babydolls. Why? They know through their moms that they are female, meant to be nurturers. (Then about the above story with the college student who had an abortion). Depending on the age group, I will bring up the above info about contraception saying that the woman’s fertility/ our femininity is a disease.
Then I remind them that marriage is similar to Mass—in both, there is a union and communion of persons. Since most kids do not know that Mass is the representation of Calvary when Christ died (gave His flesh and blood) for His Bride, the Church, I usually insert this. And the True Presence—the best way we are united in a union and communion with God. I remind them that they would never dream of desecrating the Eucharist…so why would they desecrate marriage by engaging in acts reserved for marriage…not just the marital act…but other things that “rev up the engine” (I don’t use this metaphor except for older teens, especially those the youth minister has asked me to address—but still I use veiled language). Pope JP II says that marriage is the best natural sign of who God is!! So not to be chaste is like taking a picture of Jesus and defacing it.
Then, I give them hope. I remind them that they are co-creators with God. They can start afresh now—confession is available if they have sinned. I remind them that virginity—the body and soul corresponding can be gained again. That the sacraments, living virtuously, obediently will bring the greatest happiness. And they can find meaning in their lives by the gift of self: (below is geared toward adults, but I nuance it to kids):
To find the meaning of our lives, then we can say the Most Important Words of the Universe: “This is my body, given”
- This is my body, given when your parents are frail and you must care for them.
- This is my body, given when your son or daughter, grandson or granddaughter dies for our country.
- This is my body, given to your colleagues as you help them with the daily task at hand.
- This is my body, given to the poor and needy.
- This is my body, given as you receive your husbands, not only in conjugal love but in all aspects of marriage.
- This is my body, given as you listen untiringly to your son or daughter in the mistreatment he/she receives from classmates.
- This is my body, given as you cook and sweep and mop and discipline and nurture.
· This is my body, given to you, my children, when your children are nursing or sick or acting up or returning a smile to you in response to the love you gave.
· This is my body, given as you crawl into bed after having spent your whole day being spent, being poured out without a break, such that you think you may die of exhaustion,
· This is my body, given…at the time of our death…knowing we lived as a gift for others, finally giving our last breath to the Father to spend eternity with Him, His Son, and the Holy Spirit—along with all the saints and angels in the ultimate communion of persons…filled with joy and fulfillment because with our bodies we not only reflected God but we participated in the Life of Jesus by giving.
Thus, we ought to say with Jesus—and with his Mother, our Mother—who besides her Son could truly say the most important words of the universe, “This is my Body, given.” Thank you.
Thus, concludes my talk-Q&A could follow. Now, let me give you the other things for adults to know when giving talks to teens—again, this is based on what I said at the very beginning.
C. Dangers/Weaknesses to be aware of and avoid when teaching teens
1. Be careful not to violate the proper psycho-sexual development.
a. Language--They hear enough about sex; we ought to recover the sacredness—which is why I use veiled language as opposed to some other speakers/youth ministers who want the lingo of teens to be used…supposedly it helps them to see we relate. I disagree. I think it says to them that you are not mature enough to be brought up; I must enter into your world. (I say this, realizing that the pedagogical means I gave above ARE the ways to relate to them, but it is not on their terms but on the proper respect for sex and sexuality. So, it is not like I do not reach them).
b. Age-group/maturity—I try to make sure that junior higher are taught separately from high school, for otherwise, I only address things toward the most innocent—thus not violating those. The problem with this, however, is that if often turns the high schoolers off—they can handle less interaction and more challenging concepts so it is almost insulting. Depending on the junior high group/the pressures of sex—or lack thereof, sex/sexuality do not even need to be mentioned. The 1st 3 essentials could be enough to begin developing their imagination about the body so that later in the youth group, the speaker can build upon this foundation…gearing more toward chastity. (I am aware that some youth groups have many sexually-active teens—in which case things ought to be addressed to help these young people).
c. Gender-specific talks—This is, perhaps, ideal, though I have had great success in mixed groups. Pope John Paul says it is important for those of the opposite sex to understand the other gender. Yet, since we are different, it is also beneficial for the boys and girls to be separated.
2. Caveats—Kids need so many! To mention being unchaste or abortion without the mention of healing through confession is HORRIBLE. Teens are often so black and white—so to say, asking parents for money or car keys, they may take to mean never asking—but it means if that is the ONLY time they talk to parents, then that is using. Caveat with the story of Fernando who beat up guys—perhaps he and his sister could have simply left—not always should a guy use his brute.
3. Remember that Theology of the Body is so much more than sex/sexuality. We do a disservice to this fabulous teaching if we render it only in that area. In fact, I use it to undergird all of my teaching in all areas of theology: Scripture, Church History, Sacramental Theology, Christian Anthropology, Christology, Moral Theology, Social Ethics, Ecclesiology, Spirituality, etc.
D. The 2 most important things teens desire from adults—I got this information straight from students and from my experience.
The 2 most important things teens desire from adults: respect and trust
1. Respect -- knowing and giving the dignity of the human person
This is displayed in many forms:
· Not making a decision that involves the teen (if he/she can be involved) without first consulting him.
· Seeing their perspective. Times have changed, and so to equate our times with theirs is not respectful. Different pressures, different media influences.
· Asking for their side of the story, their ideas, their point of view is extremely respectful and opens up dialogue that would have been shut down otherwise.
· Letting them make some (small) mistakes—it is respectful in that they then see that they are the ones determining their lives and the see for the future that consequences occur.
· Understand their falseness. No one is perfect.
· Listening, really listening to them and seeing what they are saying (often veiled, not outright—not because they are hiding it but because they don’t know what they are feeling deep down)…and then responding in such a way to affirm their feelings and thoughts. Nothing shuts down a teen sharing more than a parent saying, “You shouldn’t feel that way” or right away correcting their view without respecting theirs. I am not watering down the fact that truth needs to be conveyed, but how the truth is conveyed is quite significant.
2. Trust—giving the proper amount of responsibility based on maturity
This is displayed in a few ways.
· Not constantly preaching to them when they are well-formed.
· It helps to give them an out—like by saying, “I know this may sound like a parent/youth leader, but I hope you….” That way they can correct and say, “Yeah, you are sounding that way, and it is not fair.”
· Be willing to have them troubleshoot problems. If show trust by being convinced, they will see that. I won’t let you do this, but let us think of alternatives…shows you have some trust. If it not the best but not horrible, let them have that choice.
· Letting them know that sometimes it is the world you do not trust…and telling your own stories when you were too naïve and were burned/taken advantage of (I am not mainly referring to the area of sexuality, but financial, relational, etc.). Be careful with this…if overused they get turned off by this…even though they see it is true.
· Don’t take a rule as itself but it’s deeper meaning. Example: I extend deadlines for students because I trust that the are truthful in the amount of work. Shows trust and in the future they don’t take advantage since they are trusted.
· Let them see that you are beginning to treat them as adults.
· Don’t keep bringing up when they failed, but forgive….especially if they have proven themselves.
· Generalities are bad; you ALWAYS. Don’t label.
I hope this helps. Feel free to call me for clarification. 9720849-6543. My tape on this can be purchased at www.theologyofthebody.net. Please pray for TOBET’s apostolate.
